I have decided to start an adult version of my blog. This blog will contain more adult oriented themes and content. This is where I don't have to watch what I say, and can be much more direct than I would be on my main blog. To start this blog out, I wanted to delve a little more into my thoughts on my sexuality.
Sexuality has often been a confusing topic for me. How people saw me and my sexuality, as well as how I saw myself, didn't always align. In Second Life, I went from straight, to lesbian, to bisexual, to pansexual. I was often sexually active, sometimes overly so. I never wanted to be seen that way, though. I don't know why that is the case because sexuality in the real world means nothing to me. I was never interested in porn or erotica. Seeing men or women never really excited me in any way, even if they were sexualized in one way or the other, such as in porn.
Recently, I started hearing more about asexuality. I saw several YouTube videos as well as some sites on the subject. I realized how close that sounded to me, that a lot of things in my life started to make sense. That still left me with another bit of confusion, though. If I'm asexual in life, then why does my Second Life sexuality seem so different? Is it because it is safer? Has some sort of unknown taboo been moved away? Or is it really sexuality at all, considering everything is text only and maybe some mutual masterbation?
Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a sex drive. I may not get stimulated sexually by various situations in life, but I know that the release I can achieve from masterbation does feel good, and is relaxing. I can do it, and have done it, many times without thinking of anything sexual. For me the act of masterbation is just performed to get the release, and then I move on.
There are a lot of things I've thought about since first starting to hear about asexuality, to try to understand my behavior as best I can. First, I can tell in reality what makes a man handsome or a woman beautiful. Neither might turn me on, but I can see why others would be. I don't look at the outside, though, I look at the personality. Someone could be beautiful on the outside, but have the personality of a beast. There can also be someone who isn't beautiful by society's standards, but their internal beauty far outweighs that. It is that quality that often gets me interested in someone, and wanting to be with them, even though I'm not looking for sex. Instead, I'm looking for love and companionship. Someone I can share time with, be with, and love without condition. The problem is, most people add sex as part of that love, and it is something I never understood, because I'm not wired that way.
How does all this translate into who I am online, and how different is it from what I'm learning about who I am offline? I make deep connections online and love very deeply. I want the companionship and the romantic love. Sex, despite appearances, was never anything I was actively looking for. Yet, because others were looking for it, I was brought into it as well. I don't say this as a negative thing either, because I do enjoy it. It is the connection with the other person, the shared experience of it, provided the other person knows how to respond. In many cases, though, it is just an RP, a story I'm enjoying to tell with the other person. It doesn't make it any less special for me, but it doesn't sexually excite me. There are exceptions to this, though, especially when it comes to those I'm closest to. In those cases, there is the excitement and the masterbation that leads to the release at that time, or soon after.
If sex isn't import to me in reality, then why is it important to me in Second Life? If I don't get any excitement or masterbate most of the time, then why do I even bother? This, of course, is a hard question to answer, as many wouldn't understand. I do enjoy those scenes, the interaction, knowing that I'm giving pleasure through what I write. Since the person is close to me, then it is my love for them that I want to share that with them and give them the pleasure they so desire. I am getting that connection and companionship that I'm longing for at the same time.
Of course, there's also the negative aspects to it as well. When I'm fighting my depression, I might have sex with a random stranger just to dull my depression. Thinking it is something "fun" to do, even though it really means nothing to me. There's usually no connection there, on either side. If my depression is really bad, though, I might go seeking out rape style sex, because I feel like I need that done to me. It isn't a good thing to do, I know, and fortunately I haven't done that in quite a while. None of these actions come with any sort of masterbation or release, and the latter is just used to act out my internal pain.
A lot has been written here, but what is the end result? How does this all align with my sexuality, both online and away from the computer? Are they really as different as they appear to be? I think my answer to that would be no, they aren't different. I'm asexual, but not aromantic. I desire love and companionship. Whether it is male or female, it doesn't matter to me, although my preference usually leans toward women. Sex online is a way to make that connection deeper. I don't need to masterbate at the time but depending on who I'm with, or how I'm feeling, I might do it. In addition, the scene unlocks my creativity, which is something that always makes me happy.