I'm submissive at heart. That's something that has always been a challenge for me to fully understand. If it is challenging, though, how do I know I'm submissive? I came to that conclusion for a couple reasons. I don't like giving orders, so, therefore, I must be submissive. I want to please everyone, therefore, I must be submissive. I would rather do what I'm told and obey quietly, therefore, I must be submissive. Over my brief time and my limited experience, I've learned that submission is not what I thought it was.
- I am submissive. I am not a doormat.
- I bend my knee out of respect. I do not bend my knee just because someone tells me to kneel.
- My submissiveness is a gift which I offer to the Dominant I choose and who chooses me. It is not something I give simply because someone says that they are a Master or Mistress.
- Submissiveness is trust. Get to know me, and me know you, and trust will follow.
"I don't like giving orders." - Just because I don't like to give orders doesn't automatically make me submissive. It might mean I might not make a very good Dominant, but it certainly doesn't lead to automatic submission.
"I want to please everyone." - While this might sound like a good statement, it's a statement that has a very serious flaw. First of all, it's impossible to please everyone, no matter how hard I try. This also leads to situations where I have gotten myself into trouble, by allowing myself to become a doormat to another's wishes. I've given in to things I didn't want to give in to. I've made promises I was unable to keep. In my efforts to please, I more often wind up hurting the other person, and, as a result, myself. A submissive isn't everyone's doormat. Just because I want to please everyone, doesn't make me submissive. Rather, it opens the door for me and others to be hurt.
"I would rather do what I'm told and obey quietly." - Sure, this sounds great, and exactly what a submissive should be. It's true, that a submissive does need to obey, so that's a good point. Like the previous statement, though, I need to be careful that I don't obey everyone. More importantly, though, this statement actually hides a very big lie that I tell myself. There's this thing called "myself" and it's always getting in the way. I have what I want, and what I think I need. If someone tells me to do something that I don't want to do, I'm going to try to get my way. I have, in the past, even gone as far as using guilt or manipulation to try to get my way. I don't always recognize I'm doing it until it's pointed out to me. This is not the sign of a good submissive at all.
So, those three statements, which I had when I first came into this, were shown to be faulty. None of them meant that I was submissive. They were just traits about myself, some of which could arguably be negative traits. So, as time went on, I tried to find new phrases that explained why I was submissive. I still clung to my old statements as if they were gospel truth for me, even though I knew the faults associated with them. Some of the new phrases that had come up. I submitted to a Master/Mistress, so, therefore, I am submissive. I have tried to be a Mistress and failed, so, therefore, I'm submissive. I'm not comfortable as a Mistress, so, therefore, I'm submissive. Like the previous statements, I have, over time, realized that none of these statements really live up to what I thought they were, and certainly not in myself.
"I submitted to a Master/Mistress." - Good for me. While I thought this meant something at one time, I've come to realize that it doesn't mean a whole lot. First, I've had some bad experiences in the past with Masters and Mistresses who were not good. Either they weren't good examples of Dominants, or they simply weren't a right fit for me. Some of those wound up ending badly. There is more than just saying "I submit" and then trying to go along as normal.
"I have tried to be a Mistress and failed." - Giving up so easily? Be that as it may, a failure at being a Mistress, doesn't automatically mean I'm submissive. It simply means I've failed at being the Dominant. Just because I'm not a Mistress, doesn't make me submissive by default.
"I am not comfortable being a Mistress." - A variation of saying I don't like giving orders. This time, it gives it a little more of an official weight, but is just as meaningless as the original phrase. Just because I'm not comfortable being a Mistress, doesn't mean I'm going to automatically be submissive.
So, what does that all mean? If none of these things make me submissive, then what is it? There is an option of neither Dominant nor submissive. In my case, though, I want to be submissive, and I want to learn what it means to truly be submissive. I want to learn to better please my Mistress, and not be the doormat to pleasing everyone in my life. In my own words, then, here is what submission means to me.
Submission is surrender. It's giving my thoughts, my desires, my wants, and my needs, over to another. That other person is one that should be worthy of those items. Someone that I can trust completely. I would trust that person to take my thoughts, my desires, my wants and my needs and help mold me and guide me. I would trust that person to know what is best for me. I don't submit or surrender to just anyone.
Submission is obedience. Not obedience to just anyone, but obedience to the one that I have submitted to. It's my pledge to trust, honor and obey. If I've submitted to someone that I trust, then I should have no problems obeying, because I trust that the person won't lead me in a wrong path, or tell me to do something that would harm me.
Submission is service. This is serving the person that I have trusted enough to submit to. Learning from them what pleases them, and striving through my service and obedience to continue to please them. It isn't being a slave, but a willingness and a desire to voluntarily serve, knowing that the service is pleasing and not harmful in any fashion.
Submission is freedom. Not freedom from responsibility, but freedom from fear, stress and worry while in the care of the one whom I have submitted to. Trusting the one completely means giving everything over to them for their care. Trusting the one to take care with all that is given to them, and to guide me and help me to grow.
Submission is never to be taken lightly. It isn't to be simply given to anyone. It is deeply personal, and extremely important. It can be very rewarding, but in the wrong hands, can be very damaging. It isn't for everyone, but I know, it is something for me.
I've submitted to my Mistress, Lola Darkwolf, on March 19, 2015. We've had our ups and our downs as we've dealt with my own shortcomings. I try to be a good submissive, and I feel I fall short at times. In all that time, though, I'm always happy to call her Mistress, and to know that I'm hers, always and forever.
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