Monday, March 27, 2017

Submissiveness

  • I am submissive. I am not a doormat. 
  • I bend my knee out of respect. I do not bend my knee just because someone tells me to kneel. 
  • My submissiveness is a gift which I offer to the Dominant I choose and who chooses me. It is not something I give simply because someone says that they are a Master or Mistress. 
  • Submissiveness is trust. Get to know me, and me know you, and trust will follow.
I'm submissive at heart. That's something that has always been a challenge for me to fully understand. If it is challenging, though, how do I know I'm submissive? I came to that conclusion for a couple reasons. I don't like giving orders, so, therefore, I must be submissive. I want to please everyone, therefore, I must be submissive. I would rather do what I'm told and obey quietly, therefore, I must be submissive. Over my brief time and my limited experience, I've learned that submission is not what I thought it was.

"I don't like giving orders." - Just because I don't like to give orders doesn't automatically make me submissive. It might mean I might not make a very good Dominant, but it certainly doesn't lead to automatic submission.

"I want to please everyone." - While this might sound like a good statement, it's a statement that has a very serious flaw. First of all, it's impossible to please everyone, no matter how hard I try. This also leads to situations where I have gotten myself into trouble, by allowing myself to become a doormat to another's wishes. I've given in to things I didn't want to give in to. I've made promises I was unable to keep. In my efforts to please, I more often wind up hurting the other person, and, as a result, myself. A submissive isn't everyone's doormat. Just because I want to please everyone, doesn't make me submissive. Rather, it opens the door for me and others to be hurt.

"I would rather do what I'm told and obey quietly." - Sure, this sounds great, and exactly what a submissive should be. It's true, that a submissive does need to obey, so that's a good point. Like the previous statement, though, I need to be careful that I don't obey everyone. More importantly, though, this statement actually hides a very big lie that I tell myself. There's this thing called "myself" and it's always getting in the way. I have what I want, and what I think I need. If someone tells me to do something that I don't want to do, I'm going to try to get my way. I have, in the past, even gone as far as using guilt or manipulation to try to get my way. I don't always recognize I'm doing it until it's pointed out to me. This is not the sign of a good submissive at all.

So, those three statements, which I had when I first came into this, were shown to be faulty. None of them meant that I was submissive. They were just traits about myself, some of which could arguably be negative traits. So, as time went on, I tried to find new phrases that explained why I was submissive. I still clung to my old statements as if they were gospel truth for me, even though I knew the faults associated with them. Some of the new phrases that had come up. I submitted to a Master/Mistress, so, therefore, I am submissive. I have tried to be a Mistress and failed, so, therefore, I'm submissive. I'm not comfortable as a Mistress, so, therefore, I'm submissive. Like the previous statements, I have, over time, realized that none of these statements really live up to what I thought they were, and certainly not in myself.

"I submitted to a Master/Mistress." - Good for me. While I thought this meant something at one time, I've come to realize that it doesn't mean a whole lot. First, I've had some bad experiences in the past with Masters and Mistresses who were not good. Either they weren't good examples of Dominants, or they simply weren't a right fit for me. Some of those wound up ending badly. There is more than just saying "I submit" and then trying to go along as normal.

"I have tried to be a Mistress and failed." - Giving up so easily? Be that as it may, a failure at being a Mistress, doesn't automatically mean I'm submissive. It simply means I've failed at being the Dominant. Just because I'm not a Mistress, doesn't make me submissive by default.

"I am not comfortable being a Mistress." - A variation of saying I don't like giving orders. This time, it gives it a little more of an official weight, but is just as meaningless as the original phrase. Just because I'm not comfortable being a Mistress, doesn't mean I'm going to automatically be submissive.

So, what does that all mean? If none of these things make me submissive, then what is it? There is an option of neither Dominant nor submissive. In my case, though, I want to be submissive, and I want to learn what it means to truly be submissive. I want to learn to better please my Mistress, and not be the doormat to pleasing everyone in my life. In my own words, then, here is what submission means to me.

Submission is surrender. It's giving my thoughts, my desires, my wants, and my needs, over to another. That other person is one that should be worthy of those items. Someone that I can trust completely. I would trust that person to take my thoughts, my desires, my wants and my needs and help mold me and guide me. I would trust that person to know what is best for me. I don't submit or surrender to just anyone.

Submission is obedience. Not obedience to just anyone, but obedience to the one that I have submitted to. It's my pledge to trust, honor and obey. If I've submitted to someone that I trust, then I should have no problems obeying, because I trust that the person won't lead me in a wrong path, or tell me to do something that would harm me.

Submission is service. This is serving the person that I have trusted enough to submit to. Learning from them what pleases them, and striving through my service and obedience to continue to please them. It isn't being a slave, but a willingness and a desire to voluntarily serve, knowing that the service is pleasing and not harmful in any fashion.

Submission is freedom. Not freedom from responsibility, but freedom from fear, stress and worry while in the care of the one whom I have submitted to. Trusting the one completely means giving everything over to them for their care. Trusting the one to take care with all that is given to them, and to guide me and help me to grow.

Submission is never to be taken lightly. It isn't to be simply given to anyone. It is deeply personal, and extremely important. It can be very rewarding, but in the wrong hands, can be very damaging. It isn't for everyone, but I know, it is something for me.

I've submitted to my Mistress, Lola Darkwolf, on March 19, 2015. We've had our ups and our downs as we've dealt with my own shortcomings. I try to be a good submissive, and I feel I fall short at times. In all that time, though, I'm always happy to call her Mistress, and to know that I'm hers, always and forever.
== Results from bdsmtest.org == 
96% Submissive
90% Rope bunny
74% Vanilla
65% Experimentalist
64% Degradee
63% Exhibitionist
55% Voyeur
39% Non-monogamist
39% Slave
21% Masochist
19% Brat
17% Switch
16% Daddy/Mommy
16% Girl/Boy
7% Pet
6% Primal (Prey)
6% Dominant
5% Rigger
4% Master/Mistress
3% Brat tamer
3% Degrader
1% Owner
1% Ageplayer
1% Primal (Hunter)
0% Sadist

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Sexuality

I have decided to start an adult version of my blog. This blog will contain more adult oriented themes and content. This is where I don't have to watch what I say, and can be much more direct than I would be on my main blog. To start this blog out, I wanted to delve a little more into my thoughts on my sexuality.

Sexuality has often been a confusing topic for me. How people saw me and my sexuality, as well as how I saw myself, didn't always align. In Second Life, I went from straight, to lesbian, to bisexual, to pansexual. I was often sexually active, sometimes overly so. I never wanted to be seen that way, though. I don't know why that is the case because sexuality in the real world means nothing to me. I was never interested in porn or erotica. Seeing men or women never really excited me in any way, even if they were sexualized in one way or the other, such as in porn.

Recently, I started hearing more about asexuality. I saw several YouTube videos as well as some sites on the subject. I realized how close that sounded to me, that a lot of things in my life started to make sense. That still left me with another bit of confusion, though. If I'm asexual in life, then why does my Second Life sexuality seem so different? Is it because it is safer? Has some sort of unknown taboo been moved away? Or is it really sexuality at all, considering everything is text only and maybe some mutual masterbation?

Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a sex drive. I may not get stimulated sexually by various situations in life, but I know that the release I can achieve from masterbation does feel good, and is relaxing. I can do it, and have done it, many times without thinking of anything sexual. For me the act of masterbation is just performed to get the release, and then I move on.

There are a lot of things I've thought about since first starting to hear about asexuality, to try to understand my behavior as best I can. First, I can tell in reality what makes a man handsome or a woman beautiful. Neither might turn me on, but I can see why others would be. I don't look at the outside, though, I look at the personality. Someone could be beautiful on the outside, but have the personality of a beast. There can also be someone who isn't beautiful by society's standards, but their internal beauty far outweighs that. It is that quality that often gets me interested in someone, and wanting to be with them, even though I'm not looking for sex. Instead, I'm looking for love and companionship. Someone I can share time with, be with, and love without condition. The problem is, most people add sex as part of that love, and it is something I never understood, because I'm not wired that way.

How does all this translate into who I am online, and how different is it from what I'm learning about who I am offline? I make deep connections online and love very deeply. I want the companionship and the romantic love. Sex, despite appearances, was never anything I was actively looking for. Yet, because others were looking for it, I was brought into it as well. I don't say this as a negative thing either, because I do enjoy it. It is the connection with the other person, the shared experience of it, provided the other person knows how to respond. In many cases, though, it is just an RP, a story I'm enjoying to tell with the other person. It doesn't make it any less special for me, but it doesn't sexually excite me. There are exceptions to this, though, especially when it comes to those I'm closest to. In those cases, there is the excitement and the masterbation that leads to the release at that time, or soon after.

If sex isn't import to me in reality, then why is it important to me in Second Life? If I don't get any excitement or masterbate most of the time, then why do I even bother? This, of course, is a hard question to answer, as many wouldn't understand. I do enjoy those scenes, the interaction, knowing that I'm giving pleasure through what I write. Since the person is close to me, then it is my love for them that I want to share that with them and give them the pleasure they so desire. I am getting that connection and companionship that I'm longing for at the same time.

Of course, there's also the negative aspects to it as well. When I'm fighting my depression, I might have sex with a random stranger just to dull my depression. Thinking it is something "fun" to do, even though it really means nothing to me. There's usually no connection there, on either side. If my depression is really bad, though, I might go seeking out rape style sex, because I feel like I need that done to me. It isn't a good thing to do, I know, and fortunately I haven't done that in quite a while. None of these actions come with any sort of masterbation or release, and the latter is just used to act out my internal pain.

A lot has been written here, but what is the end result? How does this all align with my sexuality, both online and away from the computer? Are they really as different as they appear to be? I think my answer to that would be no, they aren't different. I'm asexual, but not aromantic. I desire love and companionship. Whether it is male or female, it doesn't matter to me, although my preference usually leans toward women. Sex online is a way to make that connection deeper. I don't need to masterbate at the time but depending on who I'm with, or how I'm feeling, I might do it. In addition, the scene unlocks my creativity, which is something that always makes me happy.